


it's been a year and it's true now

by orphan_account



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:31:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Call me captain, I'll do it for my crew now."[Journal entries + unsent letters, 2011-2018.]





	it's been a year and it's true now

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i am a casual observer of stray kids and all information is surface level, derived from the internet. this is based off the lyrics of mixtape #4 and what i know of chan’s time at jyp. the rest is my own imagination. 
> 
> thank you to anyone who posts videos/adds subtitles because i would not have been able to write this without them. 
> 
> general info: bang chan is the leader of stray kids. he trained for seven years. 
> 
> in late 2016 the pre-debut group 3racha was formed, which consists of chan (cb97), jisung (j.one), and changbin (spearb). they released their first mixtape on soundcloud in january 2017. 3racha is now a sub-unit of stray kids that functions as both rap line + the composers. 
> 
> in october 2017 the first episode of the survival show 'stray kids' came out, in which the goal was to debut as nine. minho and felix were eliminated but were added back in the finale with 96% of viewers wanting the group to debut ot9. 
> 
> (NOTE: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THE ELIMINATIONS, SKIP THE SECTIONS TITLED "LEE MINHO" AND "THE UNIVERSE") 
> 
> stray kids debuted on 3/25/18. recently, they got their first win 4/4/19.

**[2011]**

 

**To: Mom**

I’m in Seoul now. 

Two words: culture shock. We moved around in Australia, but it was still Australia. Now it’s the other side of the equator. 

Everything’s in Korean. That shouldn’t be surprising, but it is. It’s strange to hear conversation around me— it sounds different, like it has a different flavor to it. I’m glad we talked so much in Korean at home, because I can understand, but I’m so used to English that this is like kicking a ball with my weaker foot. 

When I touched down at the airport you could see all of the overpriced shops, and all of the magazines and the junk food packaging were written in hangul. The food’s different here. It’s like, at school, we would eat Australian food, and then here, it’ll all be Korean food. I’ll miss your cooking a lot. Obviously, I’ll miss you most, but if there’s a specific part… the cooking. 

I wouldn’t ever admit this out loud, but I’m nervous. I don’t know what’s in store for me. The JYP audition happened, I got in, and now what’s next? There’s so many awkward what-ifs that I couldn’t sleep on the airplane. 

But I’ll be fine, I’ll prove that your worries are unfounded. I love you. 

\---

**To: Dad**

I’m a JYP trainee now. I’m new, and I think everybody can tell I’m new. I feel like I give off those vibes that freshmen at high school do. 

The building and streets are unfamiliar, but I guess I’ll get used to them. Now that I live in a dorm, I have to take care of a lot of things on my own— I didn’t really realize how much you and Mom took care of until I came here. 

The schedule is brutal. I’ve never been good at sleeping— I would come down at night to get water and you’d say,  _ Chris, why are you still awake _ — but I don’t think that this will be a problem here, because I’m not sure anybody here sleeps at all. The day is packed full with school, the night with practice. 

I don’t mind that. I just hate the newness. I’m a blank slate while some other kids have reps. Like they’re so cool and they’ve got everything together. I’m anxious and in awe of them. There are also kids who’ve said hi to me. People like that are really nice— people who make the first move. 

I’m already missing you and my family and my friends back home. I wonder if being homesick is a temporary thing. I kind of hope it is and I kind of hope it isn’t, because I always want to remember where I came from. But I can’t quit now. I just started. 

You always say to flip my thoughts around and see the positive side of things. That’s such a parent suggestion, but I’m trying it out. To be honest, it’s intimidating to see all of these people with the same dream as me, especially the people who have been training longer than me and are therefore better. I thought I was really good until I came here and saw them. 

The realization I’m not as good as I thought I was is like a blow to the head, but I guess it just means I have (a lot of) room to improve. I’ll do my best to learn from others and make you proud. 

 

**[2012]**

 

**To: BamBam**

Thank you so much for being my friend. One day I promise I’ll write a song for you. 

Like, you have acquaintances, and then you have people you like and can hang out with, and then there are those people you really consider a friend. When you get older I that last category shrinks, but you definitely fit in it. 

There’s so many good things to say about you. Of course I’d never say them to your face, but sometimes I wonder how one person can be as funny and energetic as you are. I’ve gotten used to trainee life, or I’ve gotten used to it as best I can (because I’m not sure it’s possible to completely get used to it) but it’d be so boring without you. 

It’s as if we’re all sprinting down this road for the same dream, but suddenly I find that my steps have synced with yours, and the burden of the race feels a lot lighter. It’s a feeling I get when hanging out with Yugyeom and Jackson-hyung and Jaebum-hyung, too. For a few moments, I’m not a JYP trainee, but just sixteen-year-old Chan, sneaking soft drinks from the vending machine, awed at the superheroes I read about in the comics you lend me, roasting you at the back of the bus. 

I have this strange, impossible dream where we debut together. But if we don’t, I’ll always support you. 

\---

**To: Lucas and Hannah**

I’m afraid I might end up being like those family friends who show up to the dinner party and say, “oh, you’ve gotten so  _ tall _ .” We always make fun of them, so I’ll try my best to hold it in. 

I miss really simple things, things that would probably sound really crazy if I said them aloud. There’s the obvious fun stuff like conspiring against Mom and Dad, or conspiring against each other (one day, Hannah, I will get back at you for that prank), but I also miss weird things like going to the fridge to get ice cream and finding that someone’s already finished it off or opening my yearbook to see mustaches drawn on everyone’s faces.

You guys miss me too, or at least I think you do. Cheesy expressions of love don’t run in the family. 

Sometimes I’m sorry I’m not in Australia to do conventional big-brother things. I mean, it’s not like I could help you with math homework, anyway, because I didn’t inherit the math gene, but stuff like embarrassing you in front of your friends and passing on bad jokes— I’d be good at that. 

I look forward to my next visit home. I’ll try my best not to comment on your height. I know it’s lame, but you SERIOUSLY don’t realize that people grow until you’re seeing them in intervals. In the meantime, I’ll still try to be a role model in other ways and become someone you’ll be glad to call your big brother. 

\---

**November**

I just realized today that I think in a strange mix of Korean and English now. I wonder what people would think if they heard the monologues in my head. Telepathy is cool, but I’m glad it doesn’t actually exist. 

I’m pretty used to Seoul now, like jeans that have been worn in. I’m just one of the many in the city, going about their day (and their night— practice, study, practice, repeat). Sometimes that’s a comforting thought, that sense of belonging, being a stitch in the fabric of South Korea. Other times, I feel so small. 

The JYP building is so familiar now that I can’t remember not knowing it. 

But sometimes I think of Sydney, thousands of miles down, and I miss it. I wonder if you ever forget the place you came from. I probably won’t, especially since I’ll visit. But I don’t know. It’s going to sound stupid, but I miss the skies and the air and the sea. And all the animals. Good luck finding a koala in Seoul… lab grown eucalyptus trees?? 

I still think animals are so cool. 

Humans are animals, too, even if it’s easy to forget. Thousands of years ago, the rosefinch got blown all the way from Europe over to Hawaii. It must have been like a strange new planet at first, but then they adjusted to their habitat, and evolved to survive, molding themselves to fit like a puzzle piece in the ecosystem. They became a whole new bird, the honeycreeper. 

I wonder if the honeycreeper would know Europe as home. 

 

**[2013]**

 

**January**

Another new year. I’ve been at JYP for over a year now. 

To be honest, looking back, it’s all a blur— I have to think hard to remember specific moments. Time seems to pass so fast, but really, a year is a long time. Four seasons. Three-hundred and sixty-five rotations of the earth. A full circle around the sun. 

I guess my New Year’s Resolution is to improve, but that’s not really a New Year’s thing for me. 

Looking back, I can’t really tell my progress. I can’t tell you how good I am now compared to then, although I think I’ve gotten better. (This isn’t self-deprecation. The feedback is just that brutal.) But something that’s changed about me is that now I know how to improve. I’m able to pinpoint the places where I’m not good enough. 

Which is useful, if not the best for self-esteem. It’s like a pair of glasses— when I dance, I get  frustrated because I KNOW what it should look like, but I can’t reach it. And when there’s a gap in ability between me and somebody else, I can now see it so clearly. It’s a terrible feeling, chasing for perfection but finding it continuously out of reach. 

I had this strange dream last night where JYP-nim got abducted by aliens and could only come back to earth if he passed the monthly trainee evaluation with a Spanish rap. Wonder what Freud would think of that. 

\---

**To: Drake**

I’m listening to your album, and all I can say is, dude, it’s all your fault. 

Just kidding, but not really. I mean, I probably would’ve fell into music even if I hadn’t heard your songs, but I’ll blame you for the addiction. 

When I first saw your music videos, I was really obsessed. I looked you up on Wikipedia, learned the lyrics to your songs, annoyed all my friends playing your stuff on repeat. There was this high the music gave me that I don’t think I could find anywhere else in the world, even with actual drugs. 

Now, I watch your music videos and hear you sing in a different light. Before, the flow to the rap seemed like magic, like only wizards could put together songs, and the world you were in was a world only certain people could reach. I know this isn’t the case now— like, there’s some REALLY bad music out there— but back then. 

Back then, I thought you had to be born with wings to reach the sky. Now I realize all you have to do is climb Mount Everest. 

\---

**October**

I wonder if there’s a moment for to-be authors where they read a published book and think, I could write something better than this. Or a moment for to-be chefs where they taste food from a restaurant and think, I could cook something better than this. 

I think that about some songs now. That I could make something better. I’ve always had songs in my head, and I’ve always thought it would be cool to compose, but now I really want to. 

First, I have to get better. Because I know this isn’t what professional sounds like. But I’m used to practice. I’ll practice composing, too. Now there are all these lyrics in my notebook (some of which are really tragic) and files on my computer (some of which are also really tragic). I don’t intend for it to turn out terrible. I just have an idea for a song in my mind, but once I actually start to put it together, the vision in my head falls apart, and I’m faced with the reality of cliche lyrics and a tune that doesn’t work the way I want it to. 

It’s hard, so sometimes I want to stop. I could just let somebody else write the songs for me— plenty of artists do that. But I don’t think I can stop. I’m addicted. Sometimes I get lines I’m proud of, instrumentals I think are pretty good. To express myself with music, as clumsy as I currently am— this is what I was born to do. 

I have this dream where one day I won’t perform alone in a practice room and perform for thousands of people onstage. 

 

**[2014]**

 

**January**

Got7 just made their debut. 

I’m proud of them. How can I not be? I know the members. They’re my friends. I saw them struggle, saw them improve, and vice versa. 

Seeing the dance, I thought the practice really paid off— I couldn’t believe their synchronization. And the way their voices fit in with their parts, you could tell they practiced and recorded and re-recorded who knows how many times. 

When I watched the MV, I had this strange reaction at the beginning. They all looked so cool, and I KNOW they’re not that cool, but like, the way they looked, you know? With the hair and the makeup and the clothes, they really looked like idols. 

And I mean, they are idols. They debuted. They’re Got7. 

With all the pride, it’s impossible not to feel the other piece. The piece like they’ve crossed an invisible line whereas I’m on the other side. I don’t want to think like that, but it’s impossible to avoid it. 

Ah. Well. Jinyoung-hyung said hi to me today… can I tell people that I know THE Junior now? 

\---

**April**

I was really tired today. I mean, I’m probably always tired, but it was really bad today, more a mental than physical exhaustion. I had this thought that I wanted to go home. But then I slid on my headphones and listened to music for around an hour. And after that I wasn’t so tired. 

I’m always thinking about music. Sometimes I think about how lucky that it exists, that I live during a time when I don’t have to be an aristocrat to hear to the newest songs. 

In school, it’s hard to pay attention to the information— I just take the notes and force-feed myself formulas before tests— but I was awake for that one unit on sound. All sound is waves. Music is waves of different frequencies, blended together, going 343 meters per second. It’s so simple yet complex, and it’s so pure, too. I wonder what the sound waves look like, going through the air. Music can be replayed over and over, sent to someone free of charge, and it weighs nothing but can change someone’s life. No matter how tired I am, I have to remember what I’m chasing after. The music. 

\---

**November**

Somebody complimented my dancing today. I think it’s the first time that’s happened. 

I thought it would feel a lot better than it did. I mean, I was happy, of course. My dancing’s not the best— I thought it was, until I actually began practice— and I’m always working to improve on it. I’ve been working for years. I guess it was nice that the compliment acknowledged that progress… but, I don’t know. After I said thanks, I just thought that I had to continue to work. 

I’m starting to realize that many things in life aren’t like I thought they were. I’ve changed a lot as a person since I came here. I know I’ve become more independent, more critical, but I wonder if I’ve become unkind. 

A place in the music industry isn’t an excuse to be unkind. I know that from hanging out with Jimin. Honestly, I admire Jimin so much— how is it possible that one person is that talented and funny and open all in one go? She makes me feel like I’m twelve in the best way. 

We were arguing the other day about whether dinosaurs or dragons would win in a fight. I was on team dinosaur, and she was on team dragon. I guess she made a good point about potential dragon immunity to giant flyaway asteroids, but (1) has she ever seen a kronosaurus, I had nightmares when I was a kid about those, and (2) dragons AREN’T REAL. Or at least, we haven’t seen any yet. 

That argument kind of made me realize that although I’ve changed a lot, I also haven’t.

\---

**December**

I’ve decided that I’m not unkind, but I’ve become closed-off. I don’t think that’s just a me thing, though. That sounds more like a side effect of growing up. 

 

**[2015]**

 

**To: Brian/YoungK**

Wow, I heard your song Freely and I couldn’t stop listening to it! You know Youtube comments joke about breaking the replay button, but this was a legitimate concern. 

I really idolize you. I can’t believe you go to university AND are the musician you are. The lyrics you write are really brilliant— I would believe from hearing them that you’ve been in love with the same person for many years and got dumped in forty different ways. I can’t compete with you in terms of love songs. Unless it’s a love song about music, I guess. 

I like writing music about music. I crossed a whole ocean for it— that’s some sort of dedication. 

I think it’s really cool how you can play instruments. This is stating the obvious, because you’re in a band, but I’m envious of how you can sing without even opening your mouth by striking a chord. 

But yeah, I’m starry-eyed. I can’t believe I can tell people that I roomed with YoungK, and he taught me a lot about music. (Although I agree with Jimin that you look more like a Brian.)

\---

**October**

I’m trying to pull it together. 

That’s what adults are supposed to do, right? And I’m an adult. That word feels wrong, like trying on a shirt and realizing it’s too big. Maybe I’ll grow into it eventually, but I doubt it. 

When I was a kid, I thought adults had everything figured out. I don’t know when I realized that no one’s got everything figured out. 

But yeah, it was my birthday a few days ago, sandwiched between Day6 and Twice debuting one after the other in the span of a month. Understandably, the birthday thing got a little lost with all that going on. 

I starred in  _ Like Ooh-Ahh  _ as a zombie— guys, I’m famous.

I wish Twice all the best. If I wrote them a letter, well, I wouldn’t be the only one… watching their showcase, I feel like the whole room fell in love. 

It’s the third debut I’ve been here for, so it doesn’t hit me that hard, but still, the back of my mind registers the difference. They crossed that invisible line. I ate lunch and shared the practice room with them, and they were so kind to me, but some part of me can’t recognize them now. They look so… untouchable. 

Note: one time, as a joke, I tried on my mom’s heels, and I couldn’t even walk. I’m deeply confused as how Twice can dance so well in them. 

\---

**To: Nobody**

It feels like we’re good friends at this point. 

I don’t want to think like this, but I’m slipping. I didn’t know it was possible to be this lonely when I’m never alone. No. I’m surrounded by trainees who are fighting for debut like me, but their faces all blur together. Why unblur them when they’ll just move out or up? 

My entire life is centered around practice, around music. I’ve gotten good, or at least I’ve gotten decent— people say I’m cool now. And I can stand the loneliness, but it burns like acid. 

Because look. About music. I love it, but my dream was to share it, and I have no one to share it with. 

I miss my family. 

I want to go home. 

 

**[2016]**

 

**To: Han Jisung**

You kind of infuriate me, you know? 

I don’t know whose front is worse, yours or mine. I act like I don’t have a heart, that I’ve been here so long that absolutely nothing can get to me. You, on the other hand, haven’t been here that long, and you act like you own this place. Confidence bordering (crossing over) on cockiness. You’re not fooling me. That BB cream doesn’t hide everything. 

But I also admire you. You’re just so—  _ good.  _ You’re like a genius. Your rapping is raw, and the technique can be improved, but there’s this passion in your voice that gives it a quality that can’t be learned. You handle music as if it’s an extension of you, conducting it like electricity through a wire. 

I kind of want to ask where you learned to improv like that… 

The more I learn about you, though, the more you teeter on the word friend. You’re someone who stays up late to practice and keeps ideas for lyrics in a notebook as well, but you’re also just a kid who likes cheesecake and happy endings. Why am I so surprised? At some point I think I just forgot how to be human. We’re social creatures. We socialize. 

\---

**To: Seo Changbin**

You are the TEXTBOOK definition of emo teenager. 

You are also a great rapper. I’d kill to try on your voice for a day. I’m amazed by how fast you can spit fire… although maybe you used up all of your speed for your rapping, because in many other areas of life you take your time. Like— I don’t understand. The menu is the same as last time. Why are you having trouble deciding what to eat? 

Thank you for showing me your lyrics. As somebody else who writes, I know it’s difficult to show others. It’s like having your soul splayed out on a piece of paper for another to judge. But I’m not lying when I say I like your lyrics— I wouldn’t lie about something like that. There’s something very relatable about them. The broken parts you don’t go around showing everybody else— your words are a mirror for all these pieces. 

I’ve been hanging out with you and Jisung a lot lately. Talking about music and staying up at night. 

I want to make music with you guys. 

\---

**To: SpearB + J.One of 3RACHA**

We’ve made a few songs, and I’m nervous. I’m also really happy. 

To be honest, we’re all insane. Or at least, I’M insane. Because anybody looking at us would think we were miserable, cutting our already minimal amounts of sleep to chase for sound when we already practice all day, staying up late trying to figure out how to get this verse right and not having an answer hours later, nearly getting into a fist-fight over whether a song should be in this key or that, etc. 

But I love it. 

I love that process, although we need to smooth it out for the future. I love piecing together the verses and deciding on a chorus and creating a bridge that connects while being musically distinct from the rest of the song. I love the way our voices sound together. 

CB97. It’s like a superhero name. 

 

**[2017]**

 

**January**

Alright, 3RACHA officially exists to the rest of the world now!

I mean, in a quiet way, at least. We’re just another account on SoundCloud trying to make our voices heard. If you want to think about numbers, they’re not that impressive, but I’m not really here for the numbers. Fame’s a slippery slope— there’s freedom in obscurity. 

It’s just different, to put things on the internet. The people hearing our music don’t know any of us personally, and we can’t see the faces of the people listening— they’re masked by usernames, perhaps thousands of miles away. I like that, the unbiased response. It’s scary, but at least I’ know that people are liking the music for the music, not anything else. 

Changbin is already thinking of new songs to make. I’m like him in that I also bow down to the god of music, but it’s terrifying how easily he identifies weak spots or analyzes other people’s songs to try and figure out how to improve himself. He wants our music to stand out, so he said the next songs we make, we should write about things other than romance, since that isn’t really our turf. 

Changbin is really something. He identifies the formula, then tries NOT to follow it. 

Jisung was really excited when we got our first comment. He couldn’t stop smiling the whole day. I feel like even when he’s writing lyrics, he’s got an invisible audience in mind. He says he wants to write songs like pillars to lean on, like homes to stay in. Like new running shoes to give energy, like chocolate to hold in your mouth on bad days. He’s like a whole other person when he’s composing. No, really, looking at his lyrics, I feel like he’s twenty. 

(And then in real life, I feel like he’s five.) 

\---

**To: Grandma**

I’m kind of really sorry about WOW. 

\---

**To: Kim Woojin**

I can’t believe you got me into One Piece. Do I look like I have time to be obsessed with One Piece? (Do either of us?) And yet we’re both into it anyway. 

I’m really glad you came to JYP. At first, the most striking thing about you was your music. I think it’s a different flavor than mine. I’m better at rapping while you’re better at singing. And you can play the piano! If you ever want to score a date, just go and play the piano, because objectively, you look really good doing it. 

You kept telling me to listen to Tori Kelly, so I did. I don’t think I would have listened on my own, so I’m glad you told me to. She’s a really good singer. Her voice is UNREAL. 

To be honest, though, our friendship took branched off music pretty quickly— see, One Piece, and your general complaints about wanting chicken after particularly brutal dance practices are becoming sort of a personalized meme. It’s helpful that we’re born in the same year. There’s a connection that way, like we’re in the same key. 

It’s just really funny to me that Jisung accidentally called you Dad. 

\---

**To: Lee Felix**

What are the odds that both of us would come from Sydney and train at JYP? I don’t want to do the math— I’m just glad that it happened. I wonder if we’ve ever ran into each other before, obviously not knowing who the other was at that point. Maybe we were at the beach at the same time one day. 

You’re automatically familiar to me even though we haven’t known each other for a long time. I look at you and I see myself from a few years ago. 

I hope you know that you can come ask me for help anytime. You seem really stressed, and I wish I could help you. I’ve almost forgotten how it felt for Korean to be my weaker tongue, or to look at the streets of Seoul and feel like I was on another planet. 

I think you’re really funny, and really bright, but you seem to carry some darkness with you. A cloud covering up the sun. I hope it leaves soon. 

Also— please don’t be starstruck by Changbin, I promise he’s REALLY lame. 

\---

**To: Yang Jeongin**

I don’t think it’s possible not to look at you and not want to take care of you. Sorry if the side effects come off as overbearing or harsh. 

I really realize the insanity of trainee life when seeing it on somebody so much younger than me— when I was that young, I didn’t feel it at all, because it seemed normal on me. But then I see you pulling all-nighters or hiding your tears when being criticized at dance practice and my heart hurts. 

We chose a difficult path. 

On another note, you’re really talented, and so I admire you as a musician. I see the talent, and I see what it could be. I’m thinking of your vocal color and how to best write it into a song. I want you on my team. 

I want us to debut together. 

\---

**August**

Last night I dreamed that nine of us stood onstage as Stray Kids. 

It was a dream so powerful that I couldn’t stand to wake up. I think I’m dreaming it even when I’m awake now. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something so badly— it runs through my veins, fills my chest. I’ll do anything to make it happen. It’s a bigger picture than what I had wanted before. Before, all I thought about was my own debut, but now there’s these eight I’m desperate to debut with. 

And I’m thinking, is that greedy? Can I pull it off? I’m also thinking— I can’t not pull it off. It’s all or nothing. 

I trust that I can pull through, and I trust the rest of Stray Kids to pull through, but there’s a heavy weight on my shoulders as the leader to make sure all nine of us end up onstage together. I’m so afraid— I really don’t know what’s in store for the future. There’s no map to guide me, only a broken compass in my hand. 

\---

**October**

The cameras are on. 

I feel like I’m not even breathing. During the short times we’re allowed to sleep, I’m so tense that my brain continues to run. There’s no room for a mistake.

There are several sets of lyrics stored in my mouth, choreographies stored in my body. It’s human nature to err, but to err is a death trap. I can see why it’s called a survival show now. On rare occasions, somebody will say something funny, and I’ll relax for a moment, but then I’ll remember and I’ll tense again. 

Offscreen, the perfect image we put on shatters. We’re all exhausted and stressed and there have been a couple of moments that have… not been ideal. I want to know how I can lead better. I feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough. 

I’m proud of Hellevator, though. It took us several tries to shoot the MV, but onscreen, we look seamless. Perfect. Synchronization down to the individual footstep. I watch it, and I wonder— is that really us? The smooth, sharp lines of our moves, the makeup that highlights each of our faces. But it is us. The desperation and pain in our voices— that’s as real as anything. 

\---

**To: Lee Minho**

I can’t believe you’re eliminated. 

If I thought being angry would help, I’d scream until my lungs collapsed. If I thought being sad would help, I would cry until I ran out of tears. But there’s nothing I can do. 

There’s just this helplessness. It feels like there’s chains around my neck, dragging me down. Every step feels like walking through quicksand. And there’s a guilt gnawing through my core, so that I’m a log rotting from within. If only I had helped you more. If only I could have been there for you. I don’t know. I’m supposed to be the leader. 

It’s killing me that the rest of us have to keep running. I want to stay where you are. 

But I have to trust you. There’s a reason you’re on this team— there’s a hole without your presence. You’re charismatic and affable and unbelievably hardworking. You’re the guy everyone was talking about that passed the dance evaluation in a matter of a few weeks. You’re Lee Minho. 

I’m sure you’re practicing right now. So we’ll keep running, and then we’ll meet up with you in the future. 

\---

**To: the universe**

Is this a joke? 

Tell me this is a nightmare and that I’ll wake up any moment now. Seven. I’ve never hated a number more. We’re not complete at seven. It’s nine or none. 

When I was younger, I did swim competitions. Halfway through one, my goggles fell off, and I was floundering in darkness. I couldn’t see the end. I didn’t know where I was, what place I was in. But I couldn’t return to the start line. 

I wish somehow I could rewind time. Do it all over again. I’d do it differently. But we can’t— I can’t— we’re too far along now. 

Just. 

I don’t know. 

Please. 

Somehow. 

\---

**To: Kim Seungmin**

I wish you could see the expression on your face when we were confirmed to debut as a whole. It was pure elation. I don’t think I’ve seen a smile that wide. 

I’m so happy, too. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy (or this relieved). I’m sure I’ll crash in a moment. I used up all my adrenaline for this lifetime. 

There’s really something incredible about you, how earnest you are. When we were trainees, you never tried to hide your admiration (especially for Day6), and now, you don’t try to hide your emotions. But paradoxically under the ever-shifting surface holds a rock solid core. You wrote in your journal about your training everyday to figure out how to improve, and then you went at it relentlessly. I saw you at school and there was this grace about you, and then I saw you in the practice rooms and there was still that grace, like you weren’t tired at all. 

I’m not as expressive as you. Ah. Just as well. If I were, I’d go up to the rooftops and scream “WE’RE DEBUTING AS NINE!!!!!!!!!” and spell out nine exclamation marks just to emphasize. But since I’m not… 

WE’RE DEBUTING AS NINE!!!!!!!!!

\---

**December**

Merry Christmas. 2017 has been the most eventful year of my life— so far. I’m pretty sure the next year will be even more hectic. 

I’m kind of looking forward to it. 

Hey, Mom? Dad? It took seven years. But… I’m here now. 

 

**[2018]**

 

**January**

Alright, new year.

Changbin and Jisung both cried writing Start Line… figures. I mean, I might have cried, too, except I’m generally immune to my own lyrics at this point. I think it’s a really good song to end 3RACHA on— or, at least, standalone 3RACHA— mixing the universal idea of graduation with our own more unique circumstances. All three of us are number people (nine or none, everyone), so it’s pleasing to release our final song as 3RACHA exactly a year after the first. 

I admit… I’m going to miss our SoundCloud account. 

It’s crazy that it’s been a year, but it’s also passed really fast. There’s physical proof of our progress in our mixtapes— it pains me listen to our earlier songs. We were just so BAD compared to now. Ah, well. We had to write WOW before we could write Start Line, and there are a few songs we have that I have a soft spot for, even if they might not be as musically strong as they could be. 

Now we’ll focus on the I Am series. I feel like going from 3RACHA to Stray Kids is like moving from an apartment to a home. We suddenly have so much more room, three rappers and three vocalists and three dancers. Instead of only having to worry about lyrics and tune, we have to add the dance aspect to the performance, too. But it’s a gift. I’ll work hard to make full use of the space I’ve been given. 

I’m so excited about the stories we’ll tell. Is this how authors feel writing trilogies? On one hand, in I Am Not, I’m trying to make sure District 9 is perfect and that there are no bad songs on the album, and on the other hand, I can’t help already thinking about I Am Who and I Am You. We’ll give our best in I Am Not, and then we’ll do even better in the future. 

\---

**To: Hwang Hyunjin**

We’re both afraid. 

I see your tears, even though you try to hide them, and I wish I could comfort you. But you’re a lot stronger than you think you are. 

I want to at least let you know that your passion is plain as day. I didn’t choose for you to be in this group because of a pretty face. You can find a pretty face anywhere. You can’t find passion like that unless you’re looking hard. 

Really. Your looks are the least of your assets. 

Something that interests me a lot about you is that along with singing, rapping, dancing, you’re also concerned about becoming a better person. I wonder if you think that’s a weakness, having a soft heart, but I think that it’s brave. Your personality’s great, and continuously improving— Jisung would agree— and I think that when people see that, they’ll all fall in love. 

Meanwhile, keep lending me strength, before and after debut. 

\---

**February**

I’m always a little dazzled when I see pictures of me or people talking about me on the internet… because to me, I’m so ordinary, you know? I’m better with music than most, but whenever I see people talking about me I’m torn between wanting to say “thank you so much for supporting me” and “I SWEAR I’m actually really lame.” 

Sometimes, I think about an alternate universe where I didn’t fall in love with music. 

Okay— I don’t think such a universe exists. Maybe more a universe where I didn’t cart myself overseas in chase of a dream that might have just been a mirage. Maybe I’d be in university right now, studying biology or engineering. Maybe I’d be a competitive swimmer. Maybe I’d be in a relationship. Who knows? 

Or maybe there’s a universe where I auditioned for a different company. Where I didn’t have to wait seven years to debut. But in that universe, I’m not in Stray Kids. So given the option to switch, I’d choose this path over and over again.

\---

**March**

Tomorrow’s our debut showcase. 

I can’t sleep. I feel like I’m dreaming— any moment, I’ll wake up, and it’ll be another day of practice. Or I’ll wake up, and I’ll be back in Australia, ready to go to school, and tell my mom I had the craziest dream last night where I went to Korea to become an idol. 

The logical side of me has informed me that this is not, in fact, a dream. We’re going to go up there tomorrow and we’re going to perform District 9, and the MV will be released for the entire world to see. But it’s just so hard to believe. 

I’m not afraid. Maybe one because the reality hasn’t set in yet. But mostly because I know that while in the future, the rest of Stray Kids will rely on me, I’ll also be able to rely on the rest of Stray Kids. 

It’s been years, but I feel like just yesterday I walked this road alone. And now I’m so not alone I almost can’t comprehend it. There’s Stray Kids, and there’s our fans. (I’m sorry you guys don’t have a name yet— stay, and we’ll give you one.) 

I couldn’t have predicted this a year ago. I definitely couldn’t have predicted it coming to Korea. 

All those songs I wrote, that 3RACHA wrote, telling people to stay strong, to keep going, to chase their dreams— yeah. Those lyrics were for for everyone, but they were also for us. Those lyrics were shots made in the dark, desperate reassurances, comforting words. And those lyrics were right. 

We’re here now. And to everyone that’s struggling, we’re living proof that at the end of the tunnel, blessings wait for you. 

**Author's Note:**

> broken compass (2017)- "six years and i know now, call me captain i'll do it for my crew now, 2011 was my start." 
> 
> mixtape #4 (2019)- "it's been a year and it's true now, call me captain i'll do it for my crew now, 2018 was our start."


End file.
